As much as I have thought about, written about, and talked about the idea of learning to be a companion to myself, I am as certain as ever that self-companionship is a practice . . . something we must get up each day and decide, yet again, to participate in. Will be on our own team, or will we allow the vicious voices to coax us back in the ring with ourselves?

I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play lonely games too

Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you

-Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You’ll Go

We are in the midst of an entire country-worth of big feelings right now, and we can easily punish ourselves for not doing more, knowing more, speaking out more. As always, I believe we do not punish ourselves into change. We do not demean ourselves into meaningful action. We do not bully ourselves where we’re trying to go. Instead, we believe ourselves there. We companion ourselves there. We finally realize we deserve something more.

Just this week, I listened to the vicious voices, the Soul Bullies, in my head as if they were the only voice to listen to, as if they were the truest truth, as if they were the voice of God. And it got me nowhere. Those voices offer no way out. They offer a tangle.

As soon as I realized who had my ear, I had to do the difficult and holy reparative work of coming around the table and sitting next to myself as I would a dear friend. I had to ease up and back off and breathe. I had to forgive myself and begin again, which are two tasks that feel impossible when we’re listening to the Soul Bullies.

Last weekend, I was part of a workshop for about 25 women. The closing question we posed at the end of the workshop was this: What are you serving that isn’t serving you?

I would invite you to sit with this question. I can promise you that if you are serving shame, it is not serving you. I can promise you that if you are serving self-loathing, self-destruction . . . these endeavors are not serving you. They are bottomless pits, closed loops, that will keep taking from you and they will give you nothing in return.

However, I have found in my own life that as soon as I can—because of God’s deep grace and love for me—access a place of compassion and care for myself, I can begin to see a way forward, a way out.

Pushing, punishing, scolding, cornering, comparing, bullying, ignoring, overriding, silencing, shaming, blaming . . . these behaviors do not lead to anything productive. And we cannot in our own power just simply banish them once and for all. We need to see self-companionship as a practice we will commit to. And when we falter, as is inevitable, we will recommit to being on our own team. We will not serve the god of shame and its empty promises.

Self-companionship is not self-worship. Let me be clear. Self-companionship is about being able to see our beauty and our brokenness alike and to hold them and allow God to heal them instead of needing to hide our own wonder or our own wounds.

This is transformation.

What are you serving that isn’t serving you?

All my love,


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