Monthly Archives: November 2010
I have these CDs of Anne Lamott talking about writing. I’ve probably listened to them no less than a dozen times. Between all the stuff about writing are these deep challenges about how we approach life emotionally and spiritually.
I always remember this line: “I know writers who have sold books to the movies, writers who are making six figure advances, writers who are being interviewed in all the right places, writers who are winning awards and who appear to be doing well by every standard. And they are miserable. Why? Because there’s not enough out there.”
Many of us have spent so much time, too much time, chasing after something we feel will—once and for all—make us worthy. Make us happy. Give us peace. Bring us contentment. Deliver our self-esteem. Ease our illnesses.
Relationships. Vocations. Callings. Visions. Successes. Incomes. Things.
Is it possible that we are running after something we will never catch? Chasing the wind? Perhaps this explains the epic levels of exhaustion?
I’ve done a lot of chasing in my life. The chasing is circular and cruel. It invites you to keep going, keep going, keep going . . . life is just around the next corner. Recently, I’ve started attending a 12-step recovery group called Emotions Anonymous, a program for people who are struggling with any and every kind of emotional issue. In other words, people who are chasing. People like me.
This group is helping me take apart my internal world with a pickaxe. Ugghhhh. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. :) I’m starting to see that the chasing leads nowhere and only ends up creating this big mess of sideways energy that keeps us swirling and overwhelmed, a one-way ticket on the burn-out bus.
I’m telling you about it because I suspect I’m not alone.
What if we gave ourselves the permission to be simply human—no more than human and no less than human? What if we gave ourselves the permission to build health instead of empires? What if we cared more about our emotional sobriety than our success?
Wow. I wonder. Perhaps, a bunch of people being still and knowing he is God. Revolutionary.
Wednesday was a first. I helped out with the filming of an episode of TLC’s “Home Made Simple,” a life improvement show that descends on a family and helps them with meals, décor, and household projects.
My friend, mother of three, and fellow author, Arlene Pellicane, bravely submitted her household to the “Home Made Simple” mavens, and she invited me to help out with a craft project for the redesign of her son’s room.
I assisted Wanda, the design expert, with a steering wheel clock and a glow-in-the-dark street sign with Ethan’s name on it. All of this to compliment his new race car bed! The big reveal was yesterday, and I bet he hasn’t yet left his room. A little boy’s mecca.
Arlene and I met ten years ago when we both worked in the Creative Services department at a local non-profit. She was sunshine then, and she’s every bit as warm and lovely today.
Her first book, 31 Days to a Younger You, releases in January (you can pre-order it on Amazon already!), and Arlene and I have enjoyed sharing the unique journey of first-time authorship together.
She doesn’t know it, but Arlene has been a beacon of generosity in my life lately, a quality that is difficult to come by in our industry and in our culture in general. It’s too easy to have a deficit mentality when it comes to success, as though one person’s recognition and exposure eats into the limited quantity available in the world.
Arlene’s table is abundant. She shares her opportunities (“Home Made Simple”). She shares her blog (she featured a piece about me on her blog for Veteran’s Day). She invites me into circles she has worked to build. She relentlessly and selflessly talks up my book to others. And, most of all, she encourages me to keep going.
She’s quick to give.
I want to be more like that. Not just for the karma—though I’m sure Arlene’s is very, very good—but because it’s beautiful and counter-culture and of God.
During the times in my life when I’ve felt exhausted, confused, backward, numb, or just generally depressed, I have found solace in creative space. That’s why writing has been such a shelter for me, a place to sort myself out.
I’m learning, as I approach the very grown-up age of 35, that making time to create is actually a necessary part of my life rhythm and not just a luxury when the time permits (because, if we’re honest, it never does). Actually, I think this is something I’ve known all along as writing and painting and “making” were intuitive parts of my childhood. But maybe I’m just now learning to give myself permission to do these things that promote joy and freedom.
I often wonder if other women feel this same way. Like life just works better if they do something with their hands that is an extension of their souls. But maybe they don’t know where to start and the enterprise feels too overwhelming.
So every once in awhile I offer a found art workshop, where I create some space for a group of women to self-reflect and self-express around a theme I’ve provided.
We do some writing and some talking and then some collaging and then some more talking. Maybe I read to them a bit. We usually pray. And the alchemy of these acts produces something mysterious and golden. I remind the women that our time together isn’t about making a “product” so much as engaging in a “process.” I always have to remind myself of this because I’m like a junkie when it comes to perfectionism. So I try to help us all remember that what we’re doing is a prayer.
In the end, you would not believe what comes out of these women. I cover tables with scraps and remnants and ends and leftovers, and give them just a general direction to head, and the stuff that pours out of them is absolutely amazing. Inspiring.
I’m preparing for a workshop on December 6, and I’ve been looking for a good deal on some picture frames for our project. But I want them to be cool and architectural-salvage looking. Not just something you’d get at Target on clearance. I went to Pat’s, my local junk store, but I couldn’t get excited about anything there.
I found a listing on Craigslist that seemed too good to be true, and I followed up with the guy. Immediately I was scared of him as he was gruff and crusty and bothered on the phone and I kept apologizing because that’s what I do when I get uncomfortable.
When the babies went down for a nap on Saturday, I drove to this guy’s house—a 40-acre ranch here in San Diego—and I left the address for Steve in case he had to send a search and rescue team after me.
BTW, Steve seemed completely unfazed by the fact that I was going alone to this compound. I kept telling myself that this exact scenario was the stuff of thrillers: Stupid girl is wooed to a ranch by Craigslist Killer and thrown into a pit with a dozen other girls who fell for the same trick.
The man who posted the ad was every bit as crusty as he sounded on the phone and his two huge dogs were terrifying and his compound was something from Steven King meets Hoarders. I could honestly spin an entire novel out of this guy’s habitat.
He led me into his storage area and closed the gate behind me – “so the dogs wouldn’t get out.” Creepy. I tried to be aware of any muffled cries for help. Surrounded by the strangest assortment of junk, we began loading frames into my car . . . until the entire car was completely filled. I was euphoric, yet vigilant.
I so badly wanted to nose around the rest of the premises as untold treasures were surely buried in this place. But I decided I had to get out while I was still alive and mostly untraumatized.
On my way out of the chain-link gate at the perimeter of the property, I noticed the handwritten sign, “Trespassers will be shot” and said a little prayer of thanks.
So if you’re in the San Diego area and you want to attend my December 6th found art workshop, I will be providing a frame for you that was practically purchased with my very life.
But I’ve found that, most of the time, the price of art is worth paying.
If you’d like to attend the upcoming workshop on December 6th, please email me at Leeana@GypsyInk.com. We’ll be meeting from 7:00pm to 9:30pm and the cost is $15. Our theme is “A Year in Review,” and we’ll be reflecting on our own personal themes from 2010.
As I write, I’m at the Naval Academy, accompanying Steve on a “work trip” (also known as putting about a hundred Midshipmen who are interested in a career as a SEAL through a grueling night of God-only-knows-what). He has a bag full of gear and extra socks and whistles. I just don’t ask anymore.
The first time I came to the Naval Academy, I was 18 years old. It was August of 1994, and I had just arrived on the East Coast about a month prior. I was weeks into my freshmen volleyball season at Liberty and the Trident Classic was our first tournament of the year.
For three seasons, we returned to the Academy to play in the tournament, and every time I came, the place spoke to me. Maybe it was giving me clues about my future. If someone would have told me then that I would someday marry a Midshipmen, I would have thought that a very romantic notion. Strange how I was playing volleyball just steps away from my future husband who I wouldn’t even meet for eight more years . . . on an entirely different coast.
After brunch this morning, we spent hours walking around the campus. And though I’ve been here before, I’m seeing it through such different eyes, being here with him for the first time. Of course, I badger him with 56,000 questions about who he was as an 18 year old and how he survived his Plebe year and how he felt the day he opened the envelope containing his billet to BUD/S.
The highlight of our little tour was walking through the truly magnificent Memorial Hall where the names of every fallen Academy graduate are listed. Stunning. Steve later told me he took ballroom dancing in that very hall. Gives such poignancy to Ecclesiastes 3:4, “A time to mourn and a time to dance.” Isn’t that life at its fullest spectrum. My husband gliding across the marble floors, probably a bit awkwardly, under the enormous chandeliers and the watchful care of those we’ve lost.
I’m trying to picture him here and who he was then—probably so different than he is now and probably so much the same.
I feel like I’m getting to know a part of him I haven’t really known—the young man Steve. I keep thinking of the young woman Leeana. Connecting with his story helps me reconnect with my own. We are salvaging pieces of our past here, and I love it. It’s so easy to be entirely possessed by the urgency of life back home, the needs of the moment. What a gift to pan out a bit and see a fuller picture of our lives, remembering who we were as 18, 19, 20, and 21 years old. Both of us, in our own separate ways, focused and driven and a little wild.
What a gift to connect to each other through the portal of our pasts.
Saying thanks for all the women who cuddle my children, who make me melancholy mix tapes, who pray when I send out a 911 text for some help, who call me in for a consult on bathroom decor, who remind me that I say ridiculous things like “I love an October baby” and “being engaged at the holidays is magical,” who convince me and re-convince me that my words and my work matter, who entrust their secrets to me, who give me permission to take care of myself, who commission me for some personal shopping, who let me see them cry, who cosign on my crazy dreams, who take giantly inspiring risks, who ask all the hardest questions, who care for the least of these, who think of me when they’re somewhere enchanting, who notice the new drapes, who lead, who breathe, who see me.
Thankful for those who, day after day, take me by the hand and help me walk — one step at a time — into a better me.
“God makes homes for the homeless,” it says in Psalm 68:6 (The Message). Isn’t that the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever heard? Homes for the homeless. I’m convinced that one of the main ways he does it is through the shelter we find in each other. The warm, comforting glow of kindred souls.
May we offer each other a kind of welcoming presence that brings God’s very kingdom here to earth, giving and receiving “home” to each other. And may we do it in Jesus’ name. So many of you have done that and are doing that for me. What would I do without you?
How is God home-building in your life today?